Ah, the gems of the World Wide Web. Where else would you find a whole website dedicated to helping you choose the right glue for your bonding requirements? They even have a Statement of Impartiality: “Our recommendations are totally impartial. We have advertisers but they don’t influence our selections at all. And they never will. We promise. “

Awesome. When I was finding my way around glue, I had to do it the hard way. I had to find out that UHU superglue burns acrylic, which has to be sort of “welded” together with some weird toxic chemical that I’ll never remember the name of. I had to learn that although we were taught that white glue is the best option for paper, spray contact glue is what works best. I came to these conclusions and many other similar ones after a hard and arduous journey, after a lot of arguments, and a lot of failed attempts.

The essay below was written during the peak of my journey to find the ultimate all-purpose glue. I probably wrote it when I was in the 9th or 10th grade, for my English writing class.

    Do you remember the first time you held that wide yellow stick with the waxy gummy substance inside of it? How about the white tube of liquid adhesive that so magically made things stick to each other? Oh, oh, and did you get to experience the heat of the gun that’s filled with melted plastic? Ah, sweet memories. Whoever discovered glue is just a complete sweetheart. Ok, so it’s simple- I’m obsessed with glue (I actually prefer scissors, but you won’t appreciate the fact that Ikea makes the sharpest ones and that House of Talents sells the prettiest, so I’ll spare you).

    I cannot recall the countless times that I spent experimenting with the different types of epoxy. I also cannot tell you about all the long debates my mother and I shared discussing which type of paste works the best. Oh, my mother. Although we have very similar ideas and although we share the same hobbies, we just have completely different views on glue. While I think that glueguns just rule, she believes that white-glue is the king. I also have met many similar people with this view, so my essay is directed towards those who don’t appreciate the power of heat, and if you’re one of them, then you’re included.

    I admit that white glue has its advantages. For example, you can’t see the leftovers that squeeze out of the papers. Also, its liquid nature makes it very easy to control, for you can effortlessly use a pin or a spoon to spread it over the widest and the smallest areas. Likewise, you can use it to make your creativity overflow. By simply dumping a bag of colored sand or glitter in a jar of liquid white-glue, you can invent a new dye-system (and make sure you try to make a collage of your dye-system if you try making some by plainly covering different areas with different colors). One better thing about this form of epoxy is that it’s very strong and very portable. You can put some of this magic in an old Kodak film-canister and keep it in your purse. Oops, broken heel? You just would never have to worry about that again.
   
    Sadly, with this great world of advantages come many disadvantages. The fluid constitutions of white-glue makes your paper all shriveled up and can even make cardboard twist into the graph of an x2 function (which is in the form of a parabola, thank you Mrs. Math Teacher). It also takes forever to dry, so you have to hold that heel to your stilettos for an hour to make sure it won’t break as soon as you step on the floor. And how can I forgive it for the time it spilled all over my favorite pair of jeans? Needless to say, it’s not washable (nor is it waterproof!).

    You really don’t need to panic yet; there still is the gluegun. (*Smile*) Glueguns, I experience pleasure in just telling you about them. They have most of white-glues advantages and none of its disadvantages. Plug in, pull the trigger, ta da… a permanently glued Anything. The melted plastic holds even broken desk panels together (hey, it works! I’ve tried it). You can also get a gluegun with changeable nozzles, which means you can use different nozzles depending on how big the area you want to glue is. In addition to that, you can just buy glitter gluegun refill or fluorescent purple ones, and make a dye-system collage in seconds. Glueguns likewise come in many different sizes and shapes, some battery powered ones as small as your lipstick, so you can just toss it into your make up bag. Broken heels anyone? Squeeze some glue out onto the surface, hold this surface onto your shoe for one second, and jump from the top of Eiffel Tower making sure you land on your feet (a perfect test for strength). And how can I not mention that its plastic nature doesn’t allow paper (or cardboard) to shrivel up on you like aqua-based glue would, or ruin your favorite pair of pants since it would immediately turn into plastic while it’s still in the process of spilling.
   
    Glueguns also have many other uses. It helps reduce stress level where you can just compress some of the hot mucilage onto your index finger and scream out all your worries and despairs. It provides entertainment if you’re ever bored in biology class by making all these pretty peelable patterns on the floor of the room. And it makes life easier. For example, if your doorknobs are too smooth, just squeeze out a line of glue on it and even wet hands will open your door (ha, I’ll beat you, you annoying bathroom door!). I correspondingly can’t resist but mention how we got rid of ants forever when my aunt plugged the holes leading to their dwellings with the plastic glue.

    Before you label me a freak of nature, let me make one thing clear. I’m not some nasty advertiser that wants to fool you into buying my product; I’m just a fan. Fifteen years worth of glue-related experience makes me fit to tell you what kind of adhesive would get your kiss of approval. Try it yourself. You know that ruined toy that used to belong to your sister 2 weeks ago? Fix it for her with the aid of your new best friend and watch her give you a big hug. What’s white glue to this at-your fingertips convenience? Long live the gluegun!

Today, I know that there is no such thing as the all-purpose glue.